My Favorite Songs in No Particular Order (Part I)

If we want to start off with a song that hurts me emotionally, pains me spiritually, and makes me feel like my heart is being ripped out of my chest with a rusty knife, then there is no better song to start off with than "Lights out, Words Gone" by Bombay Bicycle Club.

A five minute long melody of absolute perfection that I have been listening to for almost a decade. And for that past decade, the gentle opening strums of the guitar brings tears to my eyes as I find myself closing them and remembering a different time, a different me who I am trying to discover again. I remember the first boy I was ever in love with and the blue and white striped wallpaper that hung on his walls as we fell asleep on Skype one summer night.

We were young so nothing ever came out of it besides ignorant adolescent wondering about if our future selves could build the lives we dream and if that dream could involve each other.

I still think of him on hot summer days when I hear this song. I hope he is doing well, he was always a smart boy.

In the days when my low-low's are particularly low, I convince myself that I'm not made to be a mother. I cut harsh words into my being and deem myself too selfish and narcissistic to truly love another human being more than I love myself. Even when my high-high's are soaring, I still think it partly to be true.

This song peels at the pieces of me that beg to be the best mother I can be for my son. I want to throw open the windows on a rainy day and hold him close in my arms that first held him when he entered this world and sing:

"Now that I have you

I will not forget

What a miracle you are"

This is a love song, after all, but not a love song from a wife to her spouse like some believe. The final track on Laura Marling's album, "Songs for our Daughter", this track, nay, the whole album, is written for her daughter. Beautiful letters for her daughter about love, betrayal, and the cruel twists of the world.

"For You" signs the album the same way a mother sends a note to her child.

"Love, Mom"

This song strikes me unbelievably hard. Heavily lyric driven, the saxophone acts as back up vocals and the beat stops my breathing for longer than I'm comfortable with. This song drags up feelings of shame and longing and loneliness all at the same time while making me want to vomit with emotion.

I spent a long time running away from my feelings for him. Trying to find someone better or, at least, made me feel the same way he made me feel. A high bar set. I now understand that feeling to be a complexity of happiness and frustration.

I searched museums to find the gaze he painted me in.

I ordered plates of food I never ate to find the way he devoured me.

I listened to hundreds of albums to try to find the words he sang from his soul.

"I kissed every stranger in the corridor that night

I think I was searching for the taste of you in everyone"

I wish I never wasted my time with the strangers, but it has made his kiss all that much sweeter.

My Favorite Songs in No Particular Order