Comfortable

I cover myself when I stand naked in front of him. He thinks it’s cute and that it’s just because I’m self-conscious. Like I’m a strong woman when clothed and a helpless young girl when not. He tools around what I must be thinking and that, even though we just had sex, I must still think that my clothesless frame is too pure for his perverse eyes. In the darkness of the bedroom, he believes that he sees everything in my pale starkness, but the moonlight casts false shadows through the heavy drapes.

I keep waiting for the day when I’ll be comfortable—enough. I’m comfortable now in our relationship, I’m comfortable with the man in front of me, but I’m not comfortable enough to drop the crossed arms and balled fists from my chest and show him everything. I keep my words choked in my throat and tell him I’m fine and give him no reason to think otherwise.

But he was allowed to see all of it. All of me. He knew that I covered my chest with my arms, not as an act of self-consciousness, but as an act of self-preservation. Not just a shield, but a fighting stance with a battle cry hidden behind my teeth ready to say, “I will let you in, but I will not let you in.”

I dropped my arms for him. My armor fell to the floor next to our strewn-out clothes and it was lost amongst the socks under my bed.

I let him see me in not just the moonlight with the drapes open wide, but the lamplight, too. Turn it on, I want to see your face. Illumination and a smile. Hey, sweetheart.

In the far too bright bathroom lights after a shower with my hair slicked back and long streaks of mascara trailing down my reddened cheeks. Come here, let me wipe off your eyes.

In the sunrise after a night devoid of sleep. Are you okay? You can tell me if you aren’t.

In the dim lamplight, in the steam of the shower, and on the bed in the light of the sun with every thought that I kept protected spewing out of my cracked open chest. I love it when you’re comfortable with me.

Comfortable. Not just standing naked, but standing free and illuminated for all parts to be seen and heard with no armor between us. Comfortable with him, I will only be comfortable with him.